I beg for guidance
Silence Accusations of incompetence A Failure A Fraud I am inadequate
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To Self-Doubt,
I think it is time that you and I finally had a long chat. It's time to discuss and be honest about the damage and harm you have done to me and my life. Since you showed up when I was 14, I have slowly and steadily believed the lies you have told me about who I am and what I am capable of. You were sly and manipulative. I was young, naïve, and innocent. Everyday after you have whispered doubts into my ears and I started to hear nothing else. No amount of encouragement or kind words could quiet the self-doubt you instilled in me. You were cunning to start your attack through friendships when I was at a vulnerable age. Using the self-doubt in other people was a disgusting but effective tactic. Looking back, I am not sure how I even started believing the lies you sprinkled. I was self assured and confident before. But your lies sunk in. The lies that I am ugly, unwanted, worthless. Using people I had trusted to tell me how awful I was and that I should kill myself was perhaps a stroke of genius on your part. I think that is the first time I started to doubt. To question. You made me question so many things about myself that I hadn't thought to question before. And when the questions started, my walls completely crumbled and all the other phrases and words people had said about me had access to my head and heart. Phrases and words that would lodge there for decades to come. I couldn't shake them loose, whenever I tried, you blasted me with more doubt. Years later and I still can't shake some phrases: "You will make a horrible mother" "You are a Jezabel" "No one will want to be with you if you don't change" "You are so sensitive, stop taking it so personally" "You need to care more" "You care too much" "You are ugly" "You should kill yourself" "If you believe in God your anxiety will go away. You don't believe enough" These are just a small fraction of the comments that soaked into my heart and took up residence in my mind. Now they are a permanent fixture, a constant echo when I am unsure. Because of all these things I now believe about myself, you, Self-Doubt, have robbed me of experiences and opportunities I have desperately wanted. Somedays it's nearly impossible to get through the day. Because of you, anxiety is my constant companion. Because of you, Self-doubt, I find it incredibly difficult to trust people and take them at their word. Always scared they are just saying something to be nice or because they feel bad for me. I find it hard to believe anyone would actually want to be friends with me. And so I often think people pity me more than genuinely like me. The thought "they are only my friends because of Adam and they feel sorry for him" rings in my ears often. "They don't actually like you but they feel obligated to include you." lingers after every outing. I fear I am forgettable. I fear I am still unloveable. I am too difficult to be around or love. Self-Doubt, you have done such a vast amount of damage to me that my whole perception of the world has darkened. I will never be enough. Never good enough. Never thoughtful enough. Never kind enough. Eventually, everyone will see that what I am is nothing. All the lies you have punctured my brain with will be proven true. Most days I feel I should just surrender to the lies. Sink into the suffocating embrace of your crushing arms. I would be easier than fighting. But I won't give up. Self-Doubt. No. I won't give in. And that is why you should be afraid. That is why you will never win. I am determined. So watch your back, Self-Doubt. I WILL snuff you out. The crack in the facade is just the beginning.
Slowly at first and then more. Deeper and sharper, the pieces snap then fall away It always starts small and light A drip here A poke there A patter of words on my head The spatter grows to a torrent Slippery words and phrases slide their way into the cracks and crevasses. Water, like words, take time to erode the rock that is being dripped upon Sometimes smoothing out rough edges Other times fiercely creating jagged pieces Pieces that draw blood at the slightest touch carving away until there is little but a flutter of a pulse left. The deluge is relentless Never letting up or slowing down Spiralling and whirling around Until the rocks beneath yield to the battering Until the landscape believes the raging waters' whispers And surrender its embankments to the dark churning beneath. The waters eventually drain away Leaving the weathered and haunted remains Of its former path The landscape shadowed The passing comments now soaked deep into the earth Trapped beneath a new cracking facade. This blog has long since been a place of healing for me. A place I can put my words as I work on healing my body and mind. Three years ago I began a body healing journey after I lost a baby. Today, I begin a mind healing journey as I work through decades of hurts pushed below the surface.
A couple months ago, all the hurts, pains, memories, I had pushed down in order to not feel or process broke the dam I had built. Crushing me and my family under the torrent that was unleashed. Since that time, I have slowly been on a path to understanding myself, facing painful truths as well as memories in an attempt to bring healing to my battle ravaged mind. I am weary, I am burdened, I am burnt out. Now that I recognize these things, I look forward. I look to heal. I am engaging in therapy in a variety of ways. Therapy with a professional (I absolutely recommend this to everyone) and therapy through, art, words, and story. I recently bought a book by Rupi Kaur called "Healing Through Words" As I work through the book I will post some of the writing that I do. Sometimes with an explanation, sometimes without. I wanted a place to document my healing journey as a way to remind myself in years to come that I am worth the effort, I am worth the work, I am worth the therapy to heal myself. For myself and for my family. Nadine |